The FIFA Women’s World Cup Report

The biggest sporting event in Canadian history is going on as we speak.

It is not the NHL or the NBA playoffs. (Neither has a Canadian team in it).

I am talking about the FIFA Women’s World Cup.

30,000 people are showing up, on average, to each match. Far more than you would expect to a women’s soccer tournament in North America.

And it is big.

Here, I offer reports on every single game played so far.

Canada 1:0 China

This match was to start the tournament.

It was a very good one.

Canada had 14 attempts on goal, and every single one either missed or was saved by Fei Wang.

However, she couldn’t save the one that mattered most.

90+2 minutes in, Rong Zhao’s high arm took down Adriana Leon in the box, and captain Christine Sinclair converted the penalty.

Hooray for Canada, one of my favourite countries.

New Zealand 0:1 Netherlands

How the heck did New Zealand make it to the World Cup?

Never mind that, we’ll just wait for the Netherlands to knock some sense into them…

15 minutes into the game…

How the heck have the Netherlands not scored against New Zealand?

Never mind, the game is young.

End of the game:

How is it only 1-0?

New Zealand is hardly one of the powers of world football. Surely they have a lowly ranking…

How the heck is New Zealand ranked 17th in the FIFA women’s rankings?

I’m not kidding.

 
How does that even work? 

Norway 4:0 Thailand

Yåy, å Scåndinåviån cøuntry!

I will use these cøøl Nørdic chåråcters før tålking åbøut åny Scåndinåviån cøuntries.

Thailand wås øut øf their depth ågåinst the 11th rånked Norway.

Øf cøurse they were. They ønly måde it åfter North Korea wås bøøted øut før sterøids.

Gøød win før Norway.

Germany 10:0 Côte d’Ivorie

Just wow.

Germany had two players score hat tricks.

That might or might not be more amazing than one player scoring six.

I’ll have to check that.

Sweden 3:3 Nigeria

Møre Nørdic.

The Swedes åre å relåtive pøwer in wømen’s søccer.

They led 2:0 35 minutes in.

Nigeria, høwever, kicked twø gøåls in five minutes åfter the breåk. The Swedes respønded quickly.

Then, in the 87th, the Nigerians equålised.

Cameroon 6:0 Ecuador

Are you sure it’s not the other way around?

I think it’s the other way around.

No?

Gaelle Enganamouit had a good birthday, scoring a hat trick.

Three of the goals were Cameroonian skill, the other three were all penalties.

United States 3:1 Australia

Aussie Aussie Aussie…

Oi! Oi… Oi?

No. No Oi Oi Oi.

We did score. It was a good goal, by 100th gamer and captain Lisa De Vanna.

But the US, let by their weird names like goalkeeper Hope Solo, shone through in the end.

Good job.

Oi Oi Oi.

Japan 1:0 Switzerland

This game went to the Land of the Rising Sun.

Not to be confused with the Land of the Midnight Sun.

The only goal was from a penalty.

This report started with a penalty and ended with one.

How convenient.

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